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New Computer!   
05:32pm 27/02/2014
mood: cheerful
I finally have a desktop again and I am extremely excited! Ahh, the feeling of a real keyboard and having the monitor more then a foot from your face. I may have to get a new monitor, this one has a bit of water damage, it works, but we will see how it dries out. I have a nice little corner of my room all set up to be my spot, a comfy chair, everything on the corner of my dresser. It is the best I can do with my room being so small, I definitely do not have room for a computer desk. I have my Ipad sitting in a pulled out top drawer so I can watch hulu and be on my computer, muahahahahahaha, oh how I have missed this.

In other news, I have a new boyfriend, he is really awesome. The only downside is that he goes to Canada every summer, for at least 4 months, I think it is more around 6 months actually. At least he tries to come back to Columbus every month and it gives me a reason to get out of the country. Speaking of which, I need to get a new passport.

Oh how I am glad they reactivated this account, I was quite sad when I thought it was gone forever. I very much enjoy being in my little corner, just putting my thoughts down on here.

Oh yes, my boyfriend, he actually pays attention to me, and makes me feel like he wants to be around me. It is a new thing for me. I feel really bad because he has had the flu this last week, I just want him to feel better and be happy.

It is really odd to watch this monitor dry.. I hope it turns out well in the end. It is wet on different levels, so it is very interesting watching one dry quicker than the other.

I am excited that my boyfriend loves being outdoors as much as I do. We went to a cabin while there was a good deal of snow and it was cold out, but he still wanted to be outside just as much as I did! It was awesome.

Once Nick gets home we are either going to my bar or we are going to get me playing a new game that is in alpha testing called rust. I am excited!
Felt like typing for a little bit.   
03:34pm 16/07/2012
mood: contemplative
I really don't know what to do with life at this point. I am happy a good portion of the time but I am always tired and it is starting to wear on me. I think I need to start working out again, speaking of which, I still need to cancel my membership at Lifetime. I keep forgetting to do things or telling myself that I don't have the time to do things. Even when I say that I know that I spend at least an hour a day sitting on the couch or going out with friends. I really need to find my motivation, I don't want to coast through life and that is what I am afraid I am doing.

I need to go to school. I need to travel. I need to do SOMETHING. I used to like having fairly regulated schedule but now it is starting to drive me up a wall. I want to get a job where I would have to travel, go do seasonal jobs and things like that, but while I have a boyfriend that is not possible. He says he would be alright with it, but honestly I don't like talking on the phone and I barely even like talking on the computer anymore. I can't do long distance friendships so I can't imagine a long distance relationship working out. When either of us travels we find time each day to talk but that is for a week or two at most. I don't think my ADD would be able to keep that up much longer.

I have also become a rancid bitch, I don't know how that happened, but honestly I really don't like many of the people I talk to daily. I merely talk to them because I think it can benefit me in some way eventually or for the fact that it amuses me at the time. I always censor myself too now and it is annoying, my patience level has died. I used to think that I wanted to build myself a steady life with a house I would always go back to, but I don't know anymore, it is still a novel idea but I don't think it fits with me anymore. Maybe I should just get back on my effexor. I am sick of being tired.

I guess I just feel stuck. Stuck or as if I am waiting on my real life to begin.

Oh well, there are many other things going through my head on that subject that I am going to censor again, maybe some other time I will post them on here.

Typing out my thoughts is my therapy. Writing is much too slow for me.

I really do like my boyfriend but I think he is starting to feel stuck with me, but that could just be my paranoia. I don't know. I just think there is something he isn't telling me or that he really doesn't like me very much. It has only been 8 or 9 months so I shouldn't expect him to be completely devoted to me, but I don't like wasting my time so I at least want to know if there is going to be the possibility for that. He does make me quite happy as I feel like we are in a partnership, well at least in planning what we want to do and such. I have the same problem that every girl has with men, he doesn't talk about his feelings enough. Which honestly, all I want him to say is how much he wants and needs me. I want to know why he is with me, because even after dating this long he still hasn't told me. I do want a steady relationship, I don't like things moving slowly though, I know that is very high school of me, but hey, I never dated in high school. I still do hold back some of myself from him just so I wouldn't be devastated if he decided I wasn't for him anymore. I really hope he won't do that, but you never know.

This is a post about paranoia and headaches.

Maybe one day I will be normal.
12:36am 26/08/2011
mood: gloomy
I want to cry, I don't know why, but I want to cry.

Ok, so I do know why, there are many things that I am just worried about, many other things that I want to change, just changing somethings will hurt some relationships. I don't know if I can deal with that, I just need to start relying on myself more again I think and just worry about my own goals and say screw everyone else every now and then. I don't want to, but I can't see any other way of me getting what I want out of life. As much as I want a steady relationship, that is hard to do when you love traveling and seeing new things all the time. Travel is not a friend of steady relationships. Oh well, I don't even have enough money to travel right now, I just need to get a second job so I can be working 50-60 hours a week again so I will have the money soon enough.
Oh gosh   
01:46am 09/08/2011
  I am actually kinda happy right now. I have a boyfriend who says he loves me, who I want to believe loves me, but that is a hard thing to do after how I have been hurt.

He is actually quite amazing, he likes all of my friends and they like him, which is rare.

If he half wakes up in the middle of the night or in the morning then he will turn over to me, cuddle with me and give me a bunch of kisses on my cheek or shoulder. I really do love that.

It is just hard for me to believe half the shit that he does or says because I know how easy it is to fake shit. I really want to believe it, I just can't let myself even get that close to someone to let them hurt me that bad again.

I am looking for another job because the one that I have is giving me hours that I can't even make enough to keep gas in my tank and food in my stomach. I am supposed to be paying 800 dollars a month too since my roommate doesn't have a job right now, hopefully she will soon. Hopefully I will have another soon as well.

Other then that life is peachy, I just need to figure out how much I want to be able to let him hurt me; Mentally when he leaves me, paranoid people like me; We all know it is going to happen.
another one   
12:35am 26/05/2011
mood: anxious
I feel an anxiety attack coming on and I am trying like hell to calm myself and stop it. I really hope I can.
02:53pm 07/12/2010
mood: infuriated
Everyone stop having babies! Now! For serious yo! Try some birth control and not doin the dirty thang while swaysted! God I love being on my period at this moment.
07:39pm 25/09/2010
mood: determined
Keep it all inside and show a pretty face.
05:39pm 14/09/2010
mood: discontent
People and their fucking peanuks, making me all jealous and shit. That then makes me want to puke :( Fucking peanuks, I don't like you, but everyone makes you seem like the greatest fucking thing. Go away peanuks. Like now.
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02:15am 12/09/2010
  Pissed yet again. Fuck this shit. Going cold is easier. I think I may do that again.

Fucking dumbass piece of egotistical shit. Yes. Egotistical shit.
Another bitch blog   
10:21pm 11/06/2010
mood: calm
No one take this personally, wait every human being take this personally because you ALL do it, hell I do it sometimes, no one is perfect. This is keegan unfiltered, don't like it, well you can still hang out with me, I generally filter myself like all hell so you will probably never see this sunshiny part of me.

Disclaimer: This is my point of view, I am not mad at anyone, if I was I would make it perfectly clear and name them. If I use an example you have done, I am not saying that you were wrong, I am trying to explain everyone sees things differently and this is how I see them. I am not god, I do not claim my point of view is how things are or that I decide what is right or wrong. This is meant to be about how I see the world as a whole because I have seen so many different people do this.

Holy fucking hell. Everyone has their reasons for doing things and for feeling things. Some reasons mean more to one person then the other. Everyone is different they feel things for different reasons so stop thinking just because you can't understand exactly how they feel that you are right. I don't get mad really unless someone else is mad and it annoys me, I understand why they are mad and why it makes sense, it just bugs me they can't understand where the person they are mad at is coming from. Didn't everyone grow up with someone better then most psycologists as a dad? lol. Shit people, calm the fuck down, if all you want to do is vent, that is great, but it really bugs me when you vent about people I love and you won't even consider the fact people have different reasons for why they think the way they do. People will seem to snap at you, people will seem to try and degrade you and disrespect you. The thing you have to think about is if they are really doing it on purpose, or sometimes even if they know they are doing it. I have heard complaints from everyone about everyone saying that someone said something or did something that degraded or was snapping at someone else, I try not to do it because I don't like it when others do it to me, but I do it without realizing it or meaning to, just like everyone else. If you think someone is purposely trying to degrade you or snaps at you, ask them if they realize they are doing it first, don't just tell them they are doing it because they may not even realize they are doing it in the first place. Realize people aren't perfect, NO ONE is in full control of themselves, they make mistakes. Then move the fuck on. Something someone sees as small may seem big in your eyes and something you see as small may seem big in theirs, that is called point of view, accept it, move on. I don't see the big deal in understanding that how you see things is not how everyone else sees things. In that thought I am majorly flawed in the same way I am complaining about, because I am not seeing how much things mean to everyone else fully I guess, otherwise I would probably be pissed too.

Carpe Diem, let shit go, stop trying to prove you are right because in the end it doesn't matter everyone dies.
Shaking with anger   
12:26pm 25/03/2010
  I need somewhere to vent about this. I know I can vent to people, but I want to vent without editing my thoughts or being the least bit understanding. I just want to put my full point of view somewhere.

Oh god, someone snapped at you, how is that the worst you have ever been disrespected when you have a mother that used to abuse you and a boyfriend that pushes you when he gets mad. WHAT THE FUCK! I seriously don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, this isn't you. I never thought you would have a reaction this rediculous! I thought you were better then this. You want it over, fine block all of us, but don't unblock us and get angry about the messages you get that are in response to what you are saying. Sorry, people will not take your shit like that. You changed your fucking number oh god, I still know where you goddamn live, if I really wanted to talk to you I can. I am being above that shit though since you have made it abundently clear that I don't mean enough to you and that I never did for you to even want my opinion, even though you fucking asked for it! I still don't know what the fuck I did to piss you off so bad, your reasons keep changing and none of them are good enough for this kind of reaction. Stop trying to rationalize it to yourself, you made the decision to fuck everything up and now you are crying about it. None of us are crying about it, you made everything fucked up and now deal with the goddamn consequences. We didn't do anything so we are letting it go and moving on. You wanted all of this and so YOU made it happen. Admit to your fucking self what is the actual thing that made you mad, I still don't think you have done that. The best idea that I have is that you can't deal with me being in a working relationship for once, a healthy one. That is something you have tried for years to have and you never managed it. I can understand being mad, but why the fuck take it out on me, I am sorry that I was happy, was it so horrible for you to see me happy?
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My dear friends, shit has hit the fan!   
12:04am 09/10/2009
  First off, friends do not get mad at you for doing crazy things, they are supposed to ask you what the fuck is wrong with you and why you have been acting so weird.

I am sorry if everyone expected the same person who left for Florida to come back, but a lot can happen in two years. I have changed a lot, I have learned a lot, I have made a lot of mistakes. While in Florida my mind and life have gotten completely fucked up. When I left to go there I knew exactly what I wanted to do in life, the love of my life was the job I wanted to do. After living in Florida for a year and trying my hardest in zoo school I realized my body will not let me do my job. My back can't deal with the heavy labor and so I keep spraining my back when I take care of animals.

I will update this later.
     Read 4 - Post
Falling asleep   
08:04am 04/09/2009
  I dislike falling asleep again, my thoughts start working and I think about all I have done wrong. I think of all the things I have missed out on. The great people I have missed out on. The opportunities I have missed out on. The things I should have missed out on.

Pretty much how I have fucked things up... Oh well, when I wake up the thoughts will be gone. Right now I must push them away until I can fall into a awesome dream, yet another awesome dream I wish I will never wake up from.

For those of you who don't know, a dream about a week ago convinced me I want to have at least one child. I never understood the love for babies, something so useless and annoying, till that dream. Now I have a hint of what it will feel like to love something that much. For now I have my amazing friends and family that I will give my life for in a instant. When I have a child, I will know what it feels like to give everything, the entire world for one little existance.
04:13pm 27/09/2008
mood: drained
Mood go plop again.

At least it splattered mud on people this time.

Harty har har
05:16pm 17/09/2008
mood: horny

You Are 100% Kinky

If you've heard of it, you've tried it. You're that kinky.

You're open to any and all sexual experiences, as long as they're safe.

You see the bedroom as the primary place for all your adventures.

But that's not to say that the bedroom is the only place you get kinky!

Your result for The How Kinky Are You Really Test...


You scored 84% Kinkiness!

Whether you are a top or bottom, you have Mastered the kink. Maybe a bit too much for most people. You know about everything I covered and much, much more. If you have a critique or would like to talk to me more about Fetish/BDSM/taboos, please feel free. Congratulations, you've peaked my interest.

Take The How Kinky Are You Really Test at HelloQuizzy

<td align="center">You are 86% kinky

You are crazy kinky. Do you ever think of anything other than sex?

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

Hope that surprises no one...
     Read 2 - Post
Ahh, livejournal, how I have missed thee.   
02:27am 05/09/2008
mood: calm
I thought I would update this, since it has been around a year since my last entry, if not longer.

I have now had a relationship, honestly it wasn't how I imagined a real relationship. We both cared about each other but it was a very immature relationship and I never really wanted anything like that. Though I really cared about the guy, he didn't treat me right at all and everyone saw it and I was blinded to that at the time because of how much I cared about him. I never wanted a relationship like that. He trusted me, but not enough to really tell me what was on his mind. I know it is kind of a girl thing to want to know what your significant other was thinking, but I really do think it is important to have enough trust in the other person to at least tell them a few things. Ah well, it is over now and we still live together and get along better now then when we were dating. I can actually honestly say I am over it. I am human and still think about what it would have been like if we had worked things out and all that, because I was very happy when I was around him, it made my day if I was the reason he was smiling. I don't feel sad that it is over, it was a great learning experience and at least now I have the small taste of what love is. I am much more particular on who I date now, I do not want to have to settle for someone, I want to completely desire to be with someone to date them, I put my all into a relationship, now I just need to find someone else that will do that as well.

I am in Gainesville Florida now, I hate it here, it is hell. There is nothing to do here at all, now I really value how great of a place Columbus is. Some people here are amazing though and they keep me alive and living life to the fullest. I do love my school here, I get to take care of animals on an almost daily basis and that is what makes me feel like I have a point to my life. I have learned about more opportunities for me to really make a change in the world when I graduate as well and each day at school only strengthens my resolve that this is what I am supposed to do. I cannot wait to be back in Columbus, though I don't know how long I will stay before I go overseas to do in field conservation work and the like.

I like to think that I am a lot more positive now then I used to be, though I do find that when my mood drops now, it is much more severe. I just need to learn how to deal with it though. I am sure it won't be long till I post a blog while in one of those more hopeless moods when I feel so small and insignificant. Right now though, I feel that I really can make a difference, I am important and I will succeed.

The walls that surround me as I sleep were white. That bothered me a good bit, the darker everything that surrounds me is the happier I am... A slightly odd reaction to surroundings, but it is me, the world will have to deal with it till I die. Posters and the like have become my best friends as they cover the white with much more comfortable colors, now I just need to get more... v.v damn monies.
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Quizzes revisited.   
01:57am 05/09/2008
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:High

-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --

You have a 27% chance of going postal!

Good news! You're not very likely to kill your coworkers. You seem very well adjusted. You rock! Talk about those feelings!

How Likely Are You to Go Postal?
Take More Quizzes

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 40%

Gluttony: 40%

Greed: 40%

Lust: 40%

Wrath: 40%

Sloth: 20%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 31%

You will die at the hands of a jealous lover. How ironic.

I think I am becoming a more adjusted mature person... creepy...
04:53pm 10/02/2008
  I live.  
03:31am 29/01/2007
  Why do I always want what I can't have. For other reasons then I just can't have them, but that seems to be a trend with what I want. I wish I didn't fuck up a lot of shit in the past. I missed out on so many great guys, they all cared about me so much, I wish I was more mature and didn't dump them. I seriously fucked myself over by passing up the good ones. I seriously don't think there are any left.

Yeah it sucks being pissed at yourself.

In other news, the small piece of loose bone somewhere in my left elbow is stabbing me from the inside and that isn't much fun either.

I want to be normal, happy, and no where near as complicated as I am...

Dear god, help me. I must be loosing my mind.
03:25am 12/01/2007
You have a 52% chance of going postal!

Ooo, over a 50% chance. That's a bad sign, dude. Better get a hobby. Not hunting. May I suggest needlepoint?

How Likely Are You to Go Postal?
Create Your Own Quiz

Paranoid Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:Very High
Antisocial Disorder:Moderate
Borderline Disorder:Low
Histrionic Disorder:Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:High
Avoidant Disorder:Moderate
Dependent Disorder:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --